There was no thought involved in any answers, it was instinctive, all guided by the medicine. In an hour, I had clarity which I don’t believe any amount of psychotherapy would have ever resulted in. She pointed out that I was swaying in my chair at the end of the session.
I’m still processing, but the theme of dance has been very present in this retreat and beyond – It is not a march, it is a dance, you lead, you follow, you go straight, back, sideways, you jump, you lay down, you take a break, start again, there is no beginning, there is no end, there is only FLOW.
PS: The ways of the medicine are mysterious, Trust!
I returned home to Austin on Nov 8, after a very meaningful two weeks being healed by the Shibibo Shamans with sacred medicine Ayahuasca deep in the Amazonian Peruvian jungles. I had received gifts that couldn’t be measured nor could they fit in any container known to man, yet upon entering my pristine, lovely downtown Austin apartment overlooking the lake, I was engulfed with a great sense of loneliness…
There was this void I never felt before about not having a partner to share my gifts with which made me very sad. I’ve been single for a while, but never really felt the need for/lack of a partner in these years and have been driven with purpose with my pandemic baby – calmcorporate. But this was different, I didn’t like it at all…I mean I was supposed to conquer everything with my newfound super humanity, right?
I messaged my friend from the retreat Christina about how lonely I felt and she replied with very soothing words. It helped , but the feeling didn’t go away. Having worked with medicine before, I did not try to suppress these feelings nor intend for it to just go away. I knew that Ayahuasca, being my greatest teacher, was trying to tell me something. I had to sit with this. Let it be.
With my work starting and the loneliness not resolving, I booked an integration session with Deanna Rogers with the templeofthewayoflight.org for the evening of Nov 11. This was the same temple I just had the retreat with for a second time in as many years.
Deanna skipped the pleasantries and made me dive right in, within minutes I discovered that the reason for my loneliness was the abandonment and neglect I faced as a child. I believe I had worked through all of those and of course, forgiven my mother for it, cause she did what she could then. It was quite a revelation to me that there was still a hidden layer beneath with some unresolved sorrow of my childhood that was to be addressed.
Deanna asked me what else came up in the retreat? I told her that I was blessed with immeasurable contentment and abundance and that as a creator, I was to create content from a place of contentment and create wealth from a place of abundance. And boom! Lighting, it came me
I had to approach and apply the same abundance and contentment to my relationships with a romantic partner and not seek it from a place of unfulfillment, need or craving (rooted from my childhood). Words wouldn’t do justice in thanking the medicine for this teaching which, mind you, started as despair.
And I also knew that even if I were to be with a partner when I came back, this sense of loneliness would have still hit me. When the medicine guides you and wants to teach you something, there is no escaping. You can, however, choose to ignore it or surrender. And I’m glad I chose to be schooled as my relationships will never be the same again in the most wonderful, joyous way possible.
I’m grateful to Deanna for her process of inquiry,
12th November, 2021
